I have recently been thinking about all these men that have come through my life, actually to be more specific two, two that I really have no real interest in reconnecting with but here I am thinking about them again. One crazy enough still the greatest love I ever had, by that I mean the passion and the pain. The other one is the could have been, seen through a distance of what maybe could have been. I have been feeling attached to my social media more than ever these last two weeks, and there they were - watching. Crazy how we can see now who is watching us, our life from afar. To both of these, I had no idea that either one followed me so to see their names hit me like a bolt of lightning. The great love is still hidden from me because I don’t believe I should rekindle that for mostly his sake. The other a complimentary follow back even though we haven’t talked in over 6 years. Both these men, now, showed me whatever it was I needed to push me toward going to college, and both were not a big part of that after I had moved.
This has got me thinking about the manic-pixie dream girl, the girl that gets the men to move forward in their lives. I have been such a girl, but I never saw it that way - just that I was a friend and I wanted the best for my friend's life, who happened to be a boy. So what are these men to me? Are they my manic-pixie dream boys? If you were to ask me that at any point of knowing them the answer would be no. Maybe they were, but this goes back to the idea that there is never a role where women nor men can interact with one another without falling into a trope, there isn’t one single character that doesn’t fall into a cliche use of the opposing gender. We are so stuck on this idea of using each other, and I have been no stranger to using the opposite gender as well, and for that all my loves I am deeply sorry. If anything the idea of a manic-pixie anything proves that the boxes we have generated for ourselves keep us from not only helping one another without pretense but also isolates us in the process. In film, everything is dependent on a binary system, problem - solution, bad - good, unhappy - happy. How could film function in a nonbinary way, not counting “art” films because they are not dependent on the narrative in most cases. It could be possible the best pop culture film that doesn’t follow a simple one-two would be Legends of the Fall. There is only the illusion of a solution, and isn’t that just real life? I guess that is the binary I always find myself in, to help or to just watch it all burn, thinking now about Randy, and his finger tattoos, I am what I am worm food. Don’t we all feel that way?
I know I have talked about the videos I want to shoot previously, where nothing happens, and there is some kind of soccer game that happens to make it kinda feel linear. Maybe that’s what I need to do. In terms of these two watchers, I don’t really know, they are there. In a lot of ways I have stopped fantasizing about silly notions of love and things that won't be, maybe that's sad, but it’s where I’m at, at this point. They only romanticizing I do listening take me back love songs. I have given these two men plenty of credit and possibly more than they deserve, but I am always thankful. Because one is the reason I believe so strongly in education and its reform, the other helped me realize that I should do more with my life than run away from my problems.