January 24, 2016
She's got the sadness
She is the shadows in the flat blanket of
Snow
She gives it a dimension
Matter
The sadness is the sun
Which gives her life
The sadness
But it is also the sun that takes her life
For she is the shadows in the snow
FIVE.
I lay here and the dark corners of the room close in, for it is the first time I've been in the darkness for what seems like forever. Car lights float around me like I'm the center of a zoetrope, spinning, spinning. I'm back in my childhood room, I am not here, not my mind or body - I am nowhere. An empty shell collecting things to maybe fill me but there is a hole at the bottom. Wishing I could feel velvet in the darkness but instead I feel eyes. Or maybe I feel nothing. In the end the vividness will hold me down till I dissappear into sleep.
I love you.
FOUR.
Today I was sad. I walked among the grand houses of the past, streets filled with everyone from the neighborhood. And I felt as though I might cry, because I missed my mother. I was alone - completely. My understanding of my life became so real. Even though I'm financially better than I have ever been, I walked around hungry. Nothing to eat all day, I could feel my stomach tell me, collapsing with pain. I felt like the girl I was, crying in the Aldi parking lot because all I had was 19 dollars for the next two weeks, my cat was sick and I no food. Money went toward healing my brain through my art instead of for food. I sat there crying because I finally had bread and I was never more thankful in my life. I walked among the old houses, dreaming in lace and how the first owners were dressed and glided through time.
I dream of how I want time to be still, unmoving, unchanging. Where people don't go and I don't ever feel any different. Heaven would be a sweet summer day at the barn when I was young. Rhinestone flip phone, and running around the farm without a care. But now I am here. Drinking coffee, waiting to get you. I think of being a grandmother, with all my children and grandchildren around me and I can't think of anything more beautiful. I can't wait. The only societal problem with this is I am alone, never can imagine another with me forever, and I have come to terms with that and have been preparing myself mentally for the past years to be alone. So now in the time I'm young and I find something I feel, I wring it out for all its worth to get me through those times to come. And I'm okay with this fate as long as I have my family.
I love you.
THREE.
Sweet lights come in and out like my consciousness. Come down, come down the black and white pixels flicker. Run, run to your true love, that sweet glass shining like a diamond in the dim light. Call me home, call me home to that cottonwood tree when life was easy, but baby even diamonds loose their luster. Warm me up, because I've been too cold, I'm here but I'm loosing hold; hold on reality, hold on your name. What's it matter because I'm gonna be numb here after.
I love you
TWO.
Leave me at the door my sweet love, you can't carry me with you anymore. The weight of my memory is filling your pack with weight of 10,000 bricks. Trudge on, trudge on, carry the spirit of my hope with you instead, let it put wings on your feet and carry you home. My heart will take on the bricks of my memory, be free from the burden sweet love of mine. Set yourself free and just believe in the words I left for you. Trudge on, trudge on.
I love you.
ONE.
Winter phase in summer, rare but important when it does occur, its been 2 years since my last one, its significance is that of a solar eclipse. Held in high honor to god and humanity, those who can feel their phases, that is. The last time this occurred was when I was first on my own in the city, a time of change and new beginnings, meeting of new people, but also a lonely time. Even if you are surrounded by those you love. Stuck in a void - a glass world. You enter into a fog state nothing is really there and when something emerges from the fog you must be able to understand its importance, how did it find its way here, is it trustworthy. Even if it isn't you must learn from it, this thing is a guide; even terrible guides get you to where you need to be. Who was my guide before, they lead me to a sense of place and community. Its important to be aware though, one must be able to tell if a guide is good or bad. And as I sit here I think of nothing but you, why, I don't know, we are connected on another plain, for some reason I am your only savior, but how can I save one life when I don't know if mine is worth saving also, if the worlds at large why should I remain. You talk to me about my salvation but yet you don't know what I have done. But why are you so beautiful adorned in purple. Then I'm on the cusp of something good right now this - this is something. Something I cant figure out in 10 minutes - challenging me to think beyond and around. And right now all I can think about is, if I was running into your arms would you see what I see now.
I love you