The world has been feeling too large lately. My practice has been teetering as I remember how hard it is to create and to also sell my time to live. It is natural to have a death mark a major point in my life as it did when I was born. My emotions seem to be running unchecked this week as I prepare to go home for the first time in over a year, because I know as I get on that coastal plane it will be real that you are gone. That my parents are both orphans now, that I will be next, that it is just me. The mindset that has truely fucked my relationships with other people repeatedly. While being happy alone has become a scape goat for me to avoid what I have know for a very long time - that you will not last one way or another. That in time I or you will be alone again. That pain can be inflicted easier when one is in love. I don't believe love is a rare thing, I believe I have loved so many people and that is how it should be, to fill up with bubbles and to feel the energy of another human is not a rare act nor should it a demeaning thing either. I worry and care and feel for so many that I often wonder if that is our true nature, that singular love is a colonial idea. Today missiles fly to kill hundreds of soliders in Iran, the world is shifting, there is no love being preached. There seems to be no hope. This idea of lovelessness has been on my mind a lot lately, we are at a very comparable time to that of the 70s but unlike then there is no one singing of love, there is no last hope of the hippie movement, there is only plastic of the 2000s. The world wants us to feel pain, and in many ways it only seems right. I remember watching WWII movies and docs with my dad as a kid and I remember thinking I hope there is no war in my life time. I truely believed there was so much hope to come from the 90s but that's the problems with that early 90s and late 80s generation we were promised something that did not exist anymore. Leaving us questioning everything but stuck in ideas that we still have to work hard to live. Whereas the younger generation the idea of self care and love seem to radiate more naturally. We stand here in our compression socks on the 11th hour of our 9 hour shift that maybe they'll get it right because we don't have enough hope for ourselves let alone the world right now. What will the future see in our generation that we are missing, will they see us as broken, as weak, as forgotten, as beaten? We are all these but above all of them we are still here no matter how much it hurts.
